Setting Boundaries and Healthy Responses [Part 3]

Read Part 1 and Part 2.

Setting Boundaries and Healthy Responses

If your boundaries have been lacking, communicate with your partner about any needed adjustments. If you think your partner has taken advantage of your poor boundaries consciously or maliciously, the relationship may be fundamentally unhealthy. However, if your partner has merely fallen into a pattern that you created and are enabling, take responsibility for your role in having allowed that to happen.

As Lamott (2007) puts it,

“No is a complete sentence.”

When renegotiating a dysfunctional relationship, frame the conversations as, “In the past, I haven’t done the best job of setting boundaries for myself. From here on, I will be setting boundaries for myself, such as _________ (list a couple). I think these changes will have a positive effect on our relationship and help me be a more _________ (adjective) friend.”

Another effective practice is to use tactful assertive language that acknowledges and recognizes another person’s wishes or feelings, as well as stating your desire without taking on the other’s burden, e.g., “You’d like me to _________ (restate other’s wish) but I _________ (give your defense) therefore I will/will not _________ (state your action).

Find more assertiveness techniques at the link at the bottom of page.

Another healthy response is to show your partner respect by allowing them to succeed or fail on their own terms. Of course, you can support your partner’s fulfilment of life goals but it is unhealthy to rescue her or him from all of life’s consequences. Two necessary questions to ask yourself when tempted to help are,

1. Is it something they can do for themselves?

2. Do I resent the giving of my own resources (self, time, money, etc.)?

This may be a difficult choice if we have confused love with rescue. You can be there to comfort or encourage your partner when times become difficult, and you can rejoice with them when they are successful. When boundaries are healthy, you are able to, I trust and respect you to make your own life choices. As my equal partner, I will not try to control you by taking away your choices in life.

A more permanent alternative is to find out who we are and what makes us unique, and we will rejoice in the freedom of this discovery. We will come to realize that your value and worth as a person is not necessarily dependent on having a significant other in our life, and that we can function well as an independent person in our own right. Walt Disney (n.d.) often told his employees,

“The more you like yourself, the less you are like anyone else, which makes you unique.”

When we move into accepting ourselves for who we really are imperfections and all, we will be able to accept others for who they are. Our relationships will then have a chance to grow healthy, each able to give freely out of choice with no resentment.

YOU ARE ALLOWED.

You are allowed to have confidence in crazy ideas. You are allowed to sign your own permission slip. You are allowed to stop researching and start experimenting. You are allowed to try things before you fully understand them. You are allowed to define your own success. You are allowed to start many things and not finish them. You are allowed to figure out how to do the work without doing the part you don’t like. You are allowed to push your comfort boundaries. You are allowed to fail a lot. You are allowed to push yourself harder than you ever have before. You are allowed to invent a new way to do it. You are allowed to make work feel like play. You are allowed to love what you do and the way you do it. YOU ARE ALLOWED. (Author unknown).

This journey of self-discovery can be challenging and painful but highly rewarding. Working within a support group such as a church community group can provide the support and structure we need on this journey. Whatever we choose, the first step is to acknowledge to God and ourselves that life as we have tried to manage it is out of our control. The second is to practice the humility of giving ourselves over to the cleansing and renewal process.

Conclusion

A healthy relationship is one in which boundaries are not only strong but also flexible enough to allow us to flourish with our own uniqueness, but they are also obvious and respected by the partner. There is a sense of respect on the part of both partners that allows each to live as full a life as possible and to explore their personal potential. We don’t have to give up who we are for a relationship but can become interdependent. Healthy boundaries allow trust and security to develop in a relationship because they offer an honest and reliable framework by which we can know each other.

Assertive Techniques PDF

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About the author: Dr Evelyn Biles is the Founder and President of Global Mosaic International, a ministry for the teaching, coaching, and mentoring of leaders and counsellors. She is also adjunct professor at the School of Psychology and Counselling at Regent University, USA. She currently serves as Curriculum Advisor for SonLight Care, a ministry that equips lay counsellors to serve the local church in Malaysia.